EMPTY – one year diagnosed

Hey all. It’s been a while since I’ve been on here.

I’m sorry for my absence. If you’ve experienced trauma at all, you’ll understand that it takes a toll to recall the traumatic memories and share them with the world. I needed a few months with myself because I felt like I wasn’t posting to advocate anymore, instead I was posting to update my blog. When you’re sharing your story it brings up a lot of suppressed memories and feelings so it’s been hard for me to even think about posting. Not only that, but I’ve been holding off on Therapy for just as long because I have my walls up right now.

I wanted to come on here again because I’m finally feeling a bit better and I have some emotional ware with all to talk to you guys. I’ll be taking a break from sharing trauma, but I’ve got some recent experiences that I’d like to talk about and advocate for. I’ll start by saying this: it’s really hard to want to put yourself out there when you feel like nobody gets you. I’ve always been open about my struggles and unconditionally supported by my dads side of the family but was taken back by some BPD stigmas that were brought up through conversation.

BPD stigma – you lack empathy if you have Borderline Personality Disorder. (This perception is incorrect and damaging)

BPD truth – the inability to regulate feelings due to childhood trauma and the difficulty differentiating between logical thoughts and crippling emotions.

What am I struggling with now? – since being diagnosed with BPD and Complex PTSD I haven’t gone a single night without nightmares. Each night I fall into another dimension that brings me back to when I was 12-14 years old. I’m back with my abusive mother, people from Jr.high and dance that I forgot even existed, and some toxic people from my past too. This is always happening in my junior high school, childhood home(s), a barn (where I used to see my horse) and wilderness. All around a huge lake surrounded by hills and trees. I get around by sky-diving, swimming or driving my moped, all of which make me nervous to an extent.

My interpretation – it may seem like these dreams aren’t that bad… but what I’m feeling in these dreams is real. It’s abandonment. I’m constantly chasing after and longing for my friends, family and partner… all are running from me and pushing me away. I keep wanting their approval and love but am constantly rejected. I’d do crazy things to impress people and try to win them over (similar to real life) but nothing seemed to make me desirable to anyone.

These feelings are a reflection of my on-going internal emotions. I’m constantly feeling empty, not good enough, un-trustworthy etc. I wake up each morning with the weight of my dreams on my shoulders. “But they’re just dreams, why do you still wake up sad?”. Well my friend, because those feelings are so real to me. My dreams aren’t just dreams like everyone else’s… my dreams are my trauma and I can’t get away from them.

4-5 months after being diagnosed – I spoke with my Dr. and started PTSD sleep cycle pills to help relax my REM state. These made my dreams shorter but the debilitating feeling I have while waking up didn’t leave. So I stopped the meds because I don’t like taking anything that’s not necessary. I fear sleep and dread my vivid dreams so I decided to muster up the courage & book myself in for therapy.

Therapy is great, I finally feel like I have a decent therapist. The last 15 I’ve seen were essentially students prepping to become therapists (no real advice or tools to help cope, just the re-telling of my trauma over and over again). My therapist now has been giving me tools and coping mechanisms to help with my mental illness and I will be sharing everything I’ve learned on my blog as well.* With therapy I started to feel confident in myself and the positivity started creeping back in.

I knew I was starting to feel too good…..So good that I forgot to take my anti-depressants for 2-3 days. I started getting sick, headache, nausea, flashes etc and I knew it was withdrawals. I impulsively took a handful of meds to try to numb my symptoms but immediately regretted it afterwards. I googled if you could overdose on these meds and what I thought I read “you’d have to take over 100 pills to overdose” was not correct. I later found out in the hospital that it takes 100 MILLIGRAMS to overdose… not 100 PILLS. I had hundreds of milligrams in my system and was high-risk for seizures. Don’t worry they gave me some yummy coal to shit out for 2 days prior. 🙃

Lesson learned: there’s no such thing as numbing pain by using more meds…. that can only lead to overdose or accidental suicide (maybe obvious but not while you’re cracking out I guess). I’ve attempted suicide in the past and was unsuccessful. I saw the damage it did to my family and vowed never to even think of such a thing again. This overdose was not an attempt to harm myself, instead it was a desperate attempt to calm my withdrawals. Dr. said I am too small to be missing pills as I have SSRI Discontinuation Disorder; meaning I’m a lightweight for pills and the withdrawals will hit 10x harder.

Suicidal thoughts are common amongst people who suffer from BPD. It’s a lot of feeling lonely, empty, worthlessness and so many other overwhelming emotions. After trying to explain my harmless intentions and gratitude for life, the Dr. taught me that the goal for someone with BPD usually isn’t to end their life, it’s sincerely just to end the pain. Which shook me to the core because that was entirely my experience. I learned quickly how easily I could have lost my life and will never be doing such a stupid and impulsive thing again.

I’m doing okay now. The nightmares are the worst but I’m getting used to them. Overall – since being diagnose with BPD 1 year ago, I have learned so much, I’ve grown so much and even down-wards spiralled too! I’m learning that this is life and I just have to take care of my soul, body and mind first.

Well, it’s been a ball guys. Like I said, I haven’t posted on my blog in a while but I will be starting again and will post helpful tips and tools for mental health moving forward. On or off the blog, I will continue to advocate for mental health and do my best stop mental illness myths.

Don’t be mislead by my happy face 😜 This girl right here is pale, sickly and lost 10lb to IBS/stress

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